I was watching the WWE wrestling with my son today… …when I finally snapped at the whole charade and blatant fakeness of it all. It’s about time he was told he’s adopted.

Do teardrop facial tattoos prevent crying? If so, I’m getting a urine stream tattooed down my leg so I’ll stop wetting the bed.

Why did the clothing store close? The employees where slacking off.

What do you call a fruit that procrastinates? …A Cramberry!

What did one casket say to the other? Is that you coughin?

[in bed] HER: talk dirty to me ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway HER: I meant- ME: I use a rat as a loofa

Confusious say, when one man fishes in another man’s well… …he is likely to catch crabs.

Sometimes, when I think about books I touch my shelf

What’s the difference between a communist and a feminist? The communist wants equality

OVERHEARD – Woman 1: “We went downtown to visit 9/11…” Woman 2: “You mean the World Trade Center?” Woman 1: “No that’s not there anymore.”