How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?

[Car dealership] Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one? Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.

What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.

Do you ever feel, like a plastic bag.. 😉

Great job keeping shit out of my eye, eyelash that’s currently in my eye.

What do you call a slippery book? Non-Friction

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

Why sharks are afraid to borrow money from other sharks! Because they are not just sharks, they are loan sharks!

Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.

What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!