How do you project confidence? Multiply by the cosine of the angle.

My eleven year old brother: “I have Asperger’s Syndrome…” “…want a burger?”

I’ve been a right-leaning man for most of my life Fuck scoliosis.

just saved a bunch of money on his car insurance by fleeing the scene of the accident.

I went to the doctor. I went to the doctor with a stomach ache and I left with cancer! I was mad as hell!

How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? If her ankles swell when she farts.

Sleep is like my love life, I ain’t getting any

Slavery is such an ugly word… I prefer the term lifetime unpaid internship.

What did the bread do after it had been oppressed for many years? Rye-ot

During labor the pain is so intense A woman almost feels what a man feels when he has a fever