My penis… Is such a dick.

What do you call an IS-leader on a motorcycle? Abu Bikr

Had a talk with 12. M: Do you know what a period is? 12: Yes, mom, it’s the dot at the end of the sentence. M: … 12: … M: Good talk

If you! Use exclamation points!! This often! I want to! Smother you!! And your enthusiasm! With a pillow!!!

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

What do you call a joke with no punchline? Ba-dum-tss

My parents were in the iron and steel industry… My mother had to iron and my father had to steal.

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

“Kumail. Kumail. K. U. M. No. M. Just write Jason.” – me right after ordering coffee

How do you know if your girlfriend is too young? you have to make aeroplane noises to stick you dick in her mouth!