Why is singing like autoerotic asphyxiation? Because sometimes you just gotta belt it out

Trump vs. Kanye 2020 Yeah. Fuck it, why not.

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

If The Beatles were from Hawaii… What would they have called their song, “Hello Goodbye?”

I got fired from a suicide hotline Apparently they look down upon reverse psychology.

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

I went on a date with a drinking straw. It really sucked.

Why does God love atheists? Because they don’t bother Him with incessant prayer.

Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance? He had no-BODY to go with.

How can you tell an introverted Techie from an extroverted Techie? An extroverted Techie looks at *your* shoes when he’s talking to you.