*drives up to liquor store door, honks horn *wine jumps off shelf, hops into my car *speeds off

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles!

What’s the difference between a heroine and heroin? One’s an object that’s easily abused, the other’s a drug.

What’s Jian Ghomeshi’s favorite vegetable? Artichoke.

White lies are fine. Don’t tell a black lie though. Black lies matter.

What shatters faster than your smartphone screen? A newborn with osteoporosis.

What did the cow say when she saw the Dalmatian? Dam… I got to get in shape!

Why doesn’t Santa have any children? Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it’s down a chimney.

I workout religiously About once or twice around the holidays

Why can’t bears get jobs in Australia? They don’t have the right koalfications!