Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.

I want a SPIDERMAN GO app where I have to get pictures of spiderman for a furious j jonah jameson

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob…. It means we used to be.

Casual conversations are just like casual sex. I don’t know how to have either one.

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough, use an ashtray.

Last month I decided to invest in a gym membership. Since then I have lost… …about $39.99 in cash.

True love is waking up in the middle of the night just to watch your laptop while it sleeps.

What do you call a clever repost? A riposte.

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.