Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer? He got a little behind in his deliveries.

Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon. Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No. *hurls Magic 8 Ball at him* Him: Ouch!

You can learn a lot about a person just by watching them through binoculars 24 hours a day.

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.

Asian drivers are so bad that some speculate that Pearl Harbor might have been an accident

What’s the difference between a black man and a pile of dog shit? The shit will eventually turn white and go away

What did the leper say to the prostitute? I left the tip on the night stand.

I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.

Why don’t we hear jokes about the Jonestown Massacre? Because the punchlines are too long.

Q: What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? A: I wouldn’t pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.