CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream? “I’m sweet on you!”

I approach. “Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.” She laughs. “I’m Jen.” My training hasn’t prepared me for this.

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

“I’m leaving you” “why?” “Your jokes are old and tiresome” “but, I can updog” “What’s updog?” “NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-” *slams door*

PERV IN THE LINGERIE STORE Q: Why did the perv go into Victoria’s Secret? A: The panties were half off.

I wish ‘twitter’ was an irregular verb so we could conjugate it thusly: twitter, twat, twitten huehue

My views are my own, although they’re heavily based on some stuff Jon Stewart said on TV last night, and the general vibe of the internet.

Is it fair to say… There’d be less litter in the world if blind people were given pointed sticks?

Jocelyn from Facebook will unfriend you if you give her a Blockbuster gift card for her stupid baby shower. I know that now.