[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon] Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.

When a track star gets best time in a race they “Break a record” but when I do it I’ve “Falsely entered a Special Olympics event”.

What is Hillary Clintons least favourite instrumeny? The trump-et.

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the trunk of your car.

“I’m up for anything” – penises

Horrible funny joke What do you call an alligator in a vest….? An Invest-agator

A can crushers job must be… Soda pressing.

I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers. …Or maybe she said “a tent of lovers.” I wasn’t really listening…

Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.

Why is picture of Jesus better than Jesus himself? You only need one nail to hang up the picture.