I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women

Lif… …is too short.

what did the traffic light say to the other traffic light? Don’t look i’m changing

Some days i think im slightly intelligent, other days i try to take a screenshot of my cracked phone screen

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

Someone with Celiac disease but still eats wheat… Is a gluten for punishment.

“I’m sorry” and “My bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.

What’s big, gray, and doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?