St. Patrick’s Day is like 420 for alcoholics.

If you emphasize the po in police they’re probably already after you.

At this point most of the hugs I’m involved in are just my kids using me as a napkin.

It was a shame King Henry VIII had a lisp, it made it quite difficult for him to order his wives coffee. “I’ll have them decapitated”

The developmental psychologists got back to us about our son. They said he’s smart on paper… Unfortunately he can’t read

Isn’t it weird how something that’s used as PUNISHMENT as a child becomes a sexual act once we’re older? Like oral sex.

What should you care? My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money, watch your health.” So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

You know you’re in a seedy part of town when you ask the waitress for coke and she says “is meth ok?”

Why does it take 100 mink to make a fur coat? Because they are lazy and have small hands!

Whats a yoga instructors favourite kind of coffee? Pilatte