How do you make a plumber sad? You kill his family

So I was walking down the street… and this guy with premature ejaculation just came out of nowhere.

For all of you fighting about Black Friday, please remember… All Fridays matter.

On Halloween I like to go to the store and buy apples and razorblades just to see the look on the clerk’s face.

What fabric is worn in Soviet Russia? Linen

I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.

What is it called when a lumberjack masturbates? Logging off.

If I had a nickel for every existential crisis I’ve ever had.. Does money even matter ?

It’s not my farting that bothers my wife, it’s me yelling “Release the Kraken!!” right before I do it.

I’ve managed to build a car without a reverse gear or a steering wheel. It’s pretty straight forward really.