(whispering): Siri, whose bed am I in?

Good yawning everyone

Q: What do you call a cat who’s joined the Red Cross? – A: A first-aid kit!

You ask me if I’m drunk? Well just spent 10 minutes looking for my phone using the flash light app on my phone.

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

I’m probably not the person to ask to talk to kids about the dangers of drugs seeing as my year on ecstasy was the BEST YEAR EVER.

I’ve made 20,000 tweets. And I’ve never tried to sell you anything except the idea that tampon jokes are funny.

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

When Germany won the World Cup, I did nazi that coming.

Wearing my bra really helps me focus on exams I love academic support.