Tweets My Dad Shits.

My friends don’t hang out with me anymore since I told them I dilute my Viagra. They just can’t tolerate that I’m homeosexual

Star Wars Rogue One – Crap Joke Casian – ‘Jyn, we need to refuel our ship!’ Jyn – ‘K, to Esso!’

“Omelet you finish.” – Kanyegg West

Doctor doctor I keep thinking I’m a laptop computer. You’re just run down let me give you some vitamins. No thanks. But I could do with some new batteries.

If a fish was trying to catch humans, what would the sport be called? Bass Murderering

Why do shoes get sad… Why do shoes get sad when they lose their matching shoe? Because they lost their solemate

So this guy asked me why I was stirring my coffee with my dick… I told him, “Shut up, I ordered a small for a reason!”

If you show me a piano falling down a mine shaft… I’ll show you Aflat minor.

I like my women how I like my microwaved food. Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.