A man walks into a bar and his name is JOHN CENAAAAAAAAAA!!!

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

A group of chimpanzees walking out of a Banana Republic is called “disappointed” Except for Charlie there, who scored a nice sundress.

Fun Fact: When your favorite football team wins, you don’t win. You’re just drunk on a couch screaming at a TV.

Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.

It’s impossible to run in campsites. You can only ran. Because it’s past tents.

*jumps from plane* *forgets parachute* *grabs onto flying squirrel* *lives to tell the tale*

This year’s Pulitzer Prize for Fiction… will probably go to some guy explaining why he had an Ashley Madison account.

Why does Reddit hate Fencing? Ripostes