Why is it so hard to throw a party in space? Because you have to planet.

i wanna make a band with 2 fellow asians. just to name our selves ‘chink 182’

My girlfriend asked me to get her a cold drink. Apparently cough syrup wasn’t what she was after.

My roommate from California was homesick So I stole his water bottle to make him feel more at home.

An old guy at the gym told me I looked like his late wife. I’m hoping he meant while she was alive.

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

What do you call a law enforcement agency that refuses to buy it’s own vehicles? The Pro-lease department

How did the Mathematician relieve his constipation? He worked it out with a pencil!

How far away is the US Army’s website? Just a few klicks away.

If babies knew how shitty life gets they wouldn’t be giggling so much. Ignorant little bastards.