What did the ghost say to the bumblebee? BOO BEE!! <insert titty-twister here>

It was my five year old daughter’s school play last night. I haven’t enjoyed myself so much in years! I didn’t go.

What’s the most polite meal? Peas and franks.

Dreading going to gym. It’s kinda late. Open 24hrs, tho. Hey, you know who else is open 24hrs? McDonalds. Yeah. I’m going to McDonald’s.

[taking a picture] Me: “Make love to the camera!” Grandma: “Don’t make this weird, dear.”

My body is a temple but only because it hates Palestine

I was going to dress up as a turn signal for Halloween But no one around here knows what the hell that is!

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!

I am as a wake as a funeral.

Last CsGo update