Oh. Awesome. A gift card. It’s like money, but I can only spend it where you thought I’d like to.

What do you have when you just used the toilet and realized there’s no toilet paper? A real mess on your hands.

Went to the doctors and told him l was suffering from premature ejaculation. He asked how does your wife feel about it? I said she took it on the chin the first time but now its getting on her tits…

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

My ex and I didn’t work out, you could say our stars didn’t align I’m a Cancer she was a cunt. She was anything but a Virgo, and her Pisces smelt like a Taurus.

My relationship therapist got a divorce

What do you get if you cut an avocado into 6.02 * 10^23 pieces? Guacamole.

What’s more fun than swinging an infant over your head with a rope as fast as you can? Stopping it with a shovel

What do you call a abortion in Czechoslovakia? A cancelled check.

What were the last words of the Mayor of Hiroshima? “What the fuck was tha . . .”