My first workout back at the gym was great. I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

Never let the CIA install your government. Too much spyware.

What do comedians put outside their house on Halloween? ‘Pun-kins’

I find it really annoying that eating food doesn’t heal wounds like I was led to believe as a kid. Damn Nintendo.

Why were the new mittens so flirty? Young gloves.

A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt. He says to the bartender “one for me and one for the road”.

Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.

if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world

What does Jeremy Clarkson have in common with Amy Winehouse? He can’t do ‘top gear’ anymore!

Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.