I had my stag do in Amsterdam. To remember the occasion my mates got me a sweater. I’d have preferred a moaner or a screamer, however.

It’s been so long since I bought groceries, this morning I saw a cockroach move out. “Good luck,” he sighed, clutching his tiny suitcases.

I like my chairs the way I like my women Quiet and conforming to my body

What’s white, located in washington and has a president within it? Monica Lewinsky’s teeth.

Kids are worthless because they’re short and poor.

My neighbor still has his christmas lights up. Not to be out done, I won’t remove my politcal yard signs until November 2012.

Did you hear about the new morning-after pill for men? It changes your blood type

A report indicates Viagra can cause temporary hearing loss in men. So guys, you can have sex, but you can’t hear the woman talk afterwards. In a related story, Viagra sales have skyrocketed.

I almost got busted for shoplifting candy today… But I got out of it. I’ve got a couple of twix up my sleeve.

The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer