When I’m bored late at night, I text random numbers saying: “You should really clean under your bed, it’s filthy down here. PS: I love you.”

What do you call it when a helicopter pilot reflects on his life? HINDsight

they say a friend will come over and help you move and a good friend will help you move a body I have two good friends

My phone just sent me an unsolicited hockey score. Aren’t there Japanese horror films that start this way?

“What goes down must come up.” -Sir Anorexic Newton

Don’t get cute with the live version of your song. We like the one on the album.

Yo mama’s so fat she has titties in the front AND in the back

What was Hitler’s favorite color to use when painting? Aryan white.

Any skirt looks good on the back of the chair.

Why did Muhammad cross the road? You should not question the prophet’s motives infidel!