Watched a sad porno the other day… [NSFW] It was a real tear jerker.

So I’ve been clearing out my attic… … and I’ve decided to get rid of my hoover- it was just gathering dust.

You should never lie through your teeth. Open your mouth and speak properly.

Today we our throwing one of our Asian employees a supplies birthday party. I got him a highlighter.

I get wetter as you get dryer. What am I? A necrophiliac.

Me: “Dad, I wanna to go to a 50 cent concert!” Dad: “Well here’s a dollar, take your sister too.”

Me: I don’t scare easily. Pregnant wife: All four of our daughters will be teenagers at the same time. Me: *never stops screaming*

I love dead baby jokes ..they never grow old.

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.

How much does a pirate earing cost? A buccaneer