It’s so cold in south florida, I just saw an iguana kill a squirrel and use it as a scarf.

I just can’t stay mad at Monday when it happens to be a day off from work.

Incest results in some very strange humans. That’s why my sister and I ALWAYS use a condom.

Last night I asked my Asian girlfriend for 69… She made me sweet and sour pork with fried rice.

What do you call an Arnold Palmer with vodka? A John Daly

I’ve been eating a lot of eggs lately.. I must be on an egg roll.

Why do the Lannisters have such big beds? Because they pushed two twins together to make a king.

I love when girls say they need a man that can keep up with them… but immediately go into hysterics when I catch them.

Why did Hitler really commit suicide? He got his gas bill.

If you take something for granted you risk losing it. When I finally find my car keys, I’m telling them how much I love them.