What’s the difference between an Anorexic girl and an escalator? The anorexic would not eat Chinese.

How is Batman different from a black man? Batman can go in a store without Robin.

New York, “Darling, can I go out in this dress?” “Yes dear, it’s already dark out.”

I have PTSD from catching a glimpse of a co-worker’s pale belly roll during a meeting.

What would Hitler say to his son? Look, I am your Fuhrer

My friend did some graffiti with me He just tagged along.

WIFE: He’s just so distant lately ME [skywriting]: U N T R U E

Reasons I Don’t Smoke Pot

you know what never gets old? Children who died at a young age.

Dear Grocery Bagger, Please don’t put dryer sheets and bread in the same bag. My kids don’t like peanut butter & Spring Meadow sandwiches.