So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you’ve fallen off the face of the earth??

Why was the cell phone wearing glasses? He had lost his contacts!

today I went for a run & a homeless guy was like WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM & I was like EVERYTHING

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

A friend asked me to do their hair for a rastafarian party… I’m dreading it

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

What is the extreme of oral sex? Licking an ostomy bag.

Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE

Where can you find some of the world’s largest vegetables? In an American nursing home.

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.