I like my beer like I like my violence… Domestic

Don’t steal. That’s the government’s job.

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

In Soviet Russia… …bar raise you!

What do you get when you cross 2 ducks and a match? Fire Quackers

It’s good to keep healthy. My gran started walking 10 miles a day when she was 50… …she’s 80 now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Facebook: A place for liars and braggers to unite.

What do you call a cow that’s swallowed a stick of dynamite? Abominable.

I’m getting my wife’s name tattooed on my penis So I can keep beating her long after she’s gone (I’m so sorry)

My girlfriend called me a pedophile. I said that’s a big word for a nine year old.