Him: Sometimes you can be a little… loud. Me: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT I AM A DELICATE FLOWER

“I don’t know the government, and I’m not giving them any of my coins.” – my 4yo after I explained taxes

What Is A Mexican’s Favorite Bookstore? Borders.

Do You Like Hardee’s? Then you’re gonna love how Hardee’s nuts hit your face.

Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet? A: To stamp out forest fires.

Whats the difference between a Chickpea and a Lentil? No one ever paid $50 to have a Lentil on their face.

Star Wars meat joke As seen in the Death Star II cafeteria: “For those of you finding the Wookiee steaks a bit too Chewy, try our new Ewok Chops: Guaranteed to be more on the Endor side.”

I’m thinking about going to the male pornstar tryouts… … but I heard there’s some stiff competition.

I’ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer, but no one will do it.

My hamster died as he lived… in the microwave.