Saw a guy in the gym, ahead of me on the Lat pulldown machine, wearing a David Luiz T-Shirt Needless to say, I got past him.

Classic joke at my Catholic High School I went up to a man and said “Jesus is the messiah” He said “No way” I said “Yah-weh”

[At job interview] Interviewer: Do you have a police record? Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette *hires me instantly

why netflix and chill? Because amazon and chill has 1 day delivery.

What happens when you have sex with a cow and no one catches you? So far, nothing.

How many bones are there in a graveyard? A skeleTON.

A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant. I can’t take anything out in time.

My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Guys would have to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m gay.