What’s the best day of the week to marry your gaming console? Wednesday

I basically have 3 hairstyles… Straight. Wavy. Homeless.

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile, but because their condoms are ‘Made in China’.

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children

Don’t you just hate it when you meet a hot girl, you look her up on Facebook and find there are fucking 150 + mutual friends and nobody told you about her. Thanks a lot assholes.

Girl, did you fall out of heaven? Cause you’re showing signs of deranged cognitive abilities in your brain highly suggestive of Post-concussion syndrome.

Lock myself in the bathroom for an hour and a half to get ready. Come out looking exactly the same, but my phone’s at 9% and I have to pee.

Duck Hunting Joke What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever