Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life

I refer to “porno” movies as “regular” movies not “adult” movies. And I refer to non-porno movies as “Christian kids” films.

*hits on a guy* He’s bleeding. I think I’m doing this wrong.

To this day, no song pumps me up as much as the theme from ‘Bill Nye the Science Guy.’

My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.

What’s the difference between a drunk Morse code operator and a lesbian? One’s a lit clicker and the other is a clit licker.

What’s red and white and screams when you shake it? A skinned baby in a bag of salt.

I know a guy who has one eye bigger than the other His hame is Iain

Me: Do you want a burger or a hot dog? Her: Neither. I’m vegan. Me: Feel free to eat as much grass as you want.