What did the Canadian think of his hardwood flooring? It was Oak, Eh!

Whenever I’m on the phone with someone I like to scream WAIT DON’T HANG UP right as they’re hanging up & then not answer when they call back

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat* *I’m still not sure*

Do you know what the problem with toilets is? They’re a pisstake.

Why do they evacuate women and children first? You can’t fix shit with all that screaming and crying. (**Yes, you can evacuate people.** Check #2 here: http://www.dictionary.com/browse/evacuate)

I have a phobia of circles and working But no worries I’m working around it

The embarrasing email Hillary Clinton doesn’t want anyone to know about [deleted]

I saw a documentary about how ships are held together It was riveting

My cousin, who’s a karate expert, joined the Army. First time he saluted he nearly killed himself.

The difference between shit and oh shit: A boy mistakenly sends a love letter to the brother’s girlfriend. Shit! Girlfriend’s brother happens to be lesbian. OH SHIT!!