I was getting drunk with this cute girl and booze was going everywhere. Then suddenly I slipped in cider.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

I had my prostate examined the other day. After it was all over, the doctor left at the same time the nurse came in, and whispered the three words no one wants to hear. Who was that?

Why can’t Helen Keller drive? She’s a woman.

My ex-wife still misses me… BUT HER AIM IS GETTIN’ BETTER!

She: “I am expecting…” Me: “Whoa! Congrats.” She: “…someone at 3.”

How many Latin Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? A Brazilian.

What do you call a cow with only three legs? A wonky.

Job Interview I was being interviewed for a new job. They asked me to use three words to describe myself. So I answered, “lazy.”

Fred: You’ve got a Roman nose. Harry: Like Julius Caesar? Fred: No it’s roamin’ all over your face.