How do skeletons kiss Skeletons don’t have lips, they just bone.

Two television sets got married. The wedding was boring, but the reception wasbeautiful.

Its good to die like my grandfather, painlessly in his sleep. Its bad to die in a terrible accident, like the passengers on his bus.

Trump hates saying “yes” to Mexicans so much We may as well call him the “Not Si” President

I could have sworn I heard a chorus of a thousand tiny voices rising up from the shower drain to wish me a Happy Fathers Day.

How is Reddit like fencing? Ripostes everywhere.

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars? Me: I LOVE STAR WARS BF: which was your fav Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

There’s a gang in my neighborhood that recruits members by threatening them with all sorts of horrible punishments and tortures if they don’t join .. but enough about the Church ..

Why doesn’t God want to argue with Satan? Because Satan has more politicians to help him.

*hands you a marijuana* “This one’s called Air Bud. It’ll make you play basketball. Also it might turn you into a golden retriever.”