The Water Fight Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids. I won! No one’s a match for me and my kettle.

A little boy came running into the kitchen. “Dad dad” he said “there’s a monster at the door with a really ugly face.” “Tell him you’ve already got one” said his father.

If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?

Mickey and Minnie go to get divorced… When the judge asks for the reason, Mickey: “Because my wife is fucking goofy.” Judge: “You mean she’s crazy?” Mickey: “No, she’s just fucking goofy!”

I remember a time when I was much younger and had an infinite supply of drugs and booze. Then some c**ksucker cut the umbilical cord.

I was playing ‘would you rather’, and asked my girlfriend if she’d rather be a goat or a cow for the rest of her life. She asked me which one I’d rather fuck.

A woman once told me to look at the world through her eyes. So I looked out the kitchen window.

Do you know any sodium jokes? Na.

What do you call a Mexican who can’t find his car? Carlos

What’s the difference between an “Ooh” and an “Aah”? About 5 inches.