A boy at a cinema notices what looks like a bear sitting next to him “Are you a bear?” “Yes” “What are you doing at the movies ?” “Well I liked the book!”

A duck walks into a bar and says “Get me some chapstick, and put it on my bill!”

Hey! Wanna hear my Ebola joke? Nah, nevermind. You won’t get it.

sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck

– What do you think about the coming battle General? – God knows it will be lost. – Then why should we go for it? – To find out who is the loser.

What do you call a baby panther? a Newton.

Did you know that dogs can’t get MRI’s? only cat’s can

I’ve learned a lot about kids while working at Menard’s. Namely don’t bring you fucking kid to Menard’s.

I left my job today. I couldn’t work for that man anymore after what he said to me… “You’re fired!”

I’ve just invented a perfume made from holy water Eau my God