Two deer walk out of a gay bar… One of them turns to the other and says “I can’t believe I blew thirty bucks in there”

Women are like Fruits. Every Woman has her own unique taste and color. But The problem is the Men. They seem to love Fruit salad..!!

So evidently the kid who stabbed all the people at his highschool today was always told he would be famous. He felt like today was the day to take a stab at it.

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog God please let it be a hotdog

If I see someone trying to seize the day, I’ll step in and try to save the day.

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

My son block me on Facebook I could have used protection and block him from birth.

What’s at the centre of No Man’s Sky universe? A refund. credit to /u/xROSSTHEHOSSx (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post)

Our doctor told us that vaginal delivery is definitely an option.. But when the hooker arrived at our place the next day, my wife was *not* pleased.

You know what’s a job I could really see myself doing? Mirror inspector.