Why did the chicken cross the road? To get some chicks. (nephew made this joke, he’s 5 years old :o)

Answer : Mrs.Claus Question : Who was the only person in history that was unhappy when Santa came early?

TIM: how are you? ME: it’s Monday TIM: yeah ME: the sun is up TIM: are u just listing facts? ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

Two fish were in a tank… …one turns to another and says “any idea how to drive this thing?”

Use chemicals to wipe polish and no one bats an eye.. But use chemicals to wipe the Polish and everybody starts to lose their shit.

What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador!

At first I didn’t like having a beard, but it grew on me.

Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there’s lots of cursing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies

My favorite sex position is the JFK I splatter all over her while she tries to get out of the car.

What did the drunker muslim say to the drunk muslim? I’m Mohammad than you