If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

When I was 15 my dad bought me my first pack of condoms When they expired 5 years later he bought me my second.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy

A Family Walks Into A Hotel… The Father walks up to the front desk and says “I hope the porn is disabled” The man at the desk replies “no, it’s just regular porn you sick cunt”

What do you call a dragon that eats 100 Viagra and washes it down with gasoline? Burnt dick

Had some mushrooms this morning. Breakfast of Champignons.

What do you call two homeless people hitting each other with garbage bags? A Pillow Fight

What’s the difference between Indians and Pakistanis? When a Pakistani has a red dot on his forehead it means he has about two seconds to live.

Which painter always had a very bad cold? Vincent Van Cough

Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?! Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope