[interview] “I’m not sure your experience is sufficient for this position.” me: Trump is president “Touche, you’re hired”

I’m going to a birthday party in Charlotte tomorrow… Hopefully the looting isn’t over because I forgot to buy a present.

Of all the things Dave misses his Mother-in-laws virginity the most.

Sometimes I think I am a bad mother because I don’t like wine.

Where’s the best place to do a mannequin challenge? In a morgue.

Sometimes I stop suddenly when I have sex with my girlfriend. She asks, “Why did you stop?” I reply, “Oh, it’s something I learned in porn. It’s called buffering.”

What’s the only thing that could have saved George Michael? A whambulance

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

What Type of Fruit Wants to Run Away and Get Married but Isn’t Able to? Cantelope.

Here’s a new mythological creature for the consideration pile. Taurustaur. Half man, half reliable family sedan.