Why don’t bats sleep outside? You ever deal with a sunburned asshole?

Are you a geologist? You can analyse my rocks anytime 😉

How many dads does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to put it in and one to complain that he never screws anything anymore.

I’m not heartless, I’ve just learned how to use my heart less…

What’s the most annoying joke in the world?

Do you know what the difference is between patronising and condescending? Condescending is where you talk down to someone. Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it though.

Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn’t kill the dinosaurs. I’ve been to the museum. It’s obvious they starved to death.

What is a proctologist’s drink of choice? Two fingers of whiskey.

How I fall asleep People get jealous of me because of how fast I fall asleep so I’m going to share my secret. First of all, ally you have to do is close your ey…

Sometimes I draw a penis on my face before I go out so people know I’m there to fucking party.