Me: Check it out! I’m juggling! Wife: Me: Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball. Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

You know what a satisfied woman sounds like? I didn’t think so.

A Church threw a Celibacy Party. Nobody came.

I went to the library and asked for a book about small peni$es. The librarian said, “I’m not sure if it’s in yet.” “Yep, that’s the one”, I said.

This girl text me: “your adorable I text back: no YOU’RE adorable Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

Indoor trash bin that keeps getting taller until someone finally decides to take it out.

“IS A DOLPHIN WHAT?!” – Hitler’s wife answering the phone

why do they call them light bulbs? they don’t weigh very much

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Gmmmppphh