I’m fairly tall so folks are always asking me “Do you play basketball?” My standard reply: “No, do you play miniature golf?”

[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun] Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun? [Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo

What is Donald Trump most afraid of? That people will figure out he is a low energy, stupid, horse-fucking, cum-eating, rim-job giving fuckhead!!!

I thought a Vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant… …but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

What do exchange students and porn addicts have in common? They both study abroad.

What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle ? A polo bear !

What has 12 hands, 12 legs, and 12 eyes? 12 pirates.

How you can see if a blonde is telling bullshit? Her lips are moving.

Star wars dad joke heard tonight Dad “Chewbacca seems kinda big for an ewok…” Me “he’s a wookie. ” Dad “he can’t be, he’s been in lots of movies now.”

The best kiss of my life was with a vacuum cleaner… … it took my breath away.