I’m not drunk. I’m a gravity inspector… …and everything seems to be in order here. *falls down/passes out*

Two ninjas were having an argument Two ninjas were arguing over which one was the better ninja. The first says, “Man, you can’t even throw a ninja star.” The second ninja says, “Shuriken.”

“DADDY!?!” (toddler calling out) Me: “Daddy’s upstairs but can I help you with something?” “Yes. You can go get Daddy.”

Me (to 7): Son, we… Wife (in earpiece): have to talk M: Have to talk W: about girls M: About grills W: NO M: NO W: IDIOT M: IDIOT

What’s the difference between a piano,tuna and glue. You can tune a piano. You cant piano a tuna.

*girl rests her head on my shoulder* -Are you flexing? -No

My neighbours are very loud when they have sex. And that’s bad for my insomnia. Last night I was so fed up I had to scream their safety word.

How did Frankenstein’s monster eat his lunch? He bolted it down.

In INTERSTELLAR, why does Tom’s voice get higher when he’s older? Answer: thedust

They hired another Russian guy at my work He seems to think everything that Ukrainian guy tells him is so obvious.