I asked a chinese girl for her number She said, “Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!” I said, “Wow!” Then her friend said, “She means 666-3629.”

Baby seal walks into a club…

What is the hardest part about eating a vegetable? The Wheelchair

Who would win a knife fight between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton? Everyone!

FBI offers to help France investigate the terrorist attacks. So far, they think North Korea is behind it.

“Instead of putting this away, I’ll leave it right here for the next time I need it.” – Men

What’s it called when it’s 9:20am and you can’t wait for dinner? Oh, it’s called fat. Nevermind.

Granny always said, ‘If in doubt, check it out.’ My addition: ‘If the answer gets your goat, punch ’em in the throat.’

What do you give a sick pig? Oinkment!

When I’m dead, these tweets will be worth twice as much.