Hey people, I’ve invented a new word. Plagiarism.

I Like my slaves like I like my coffee: Free

What do you called being pepper sprayed at UC Davis? Occupational hazard.

What’s the difference between an entomologist and an etymologist? An etymologist knows.

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace” So I bought her nothing.

I lost my only son today. Ha! Talk about a bad heir day.

My favorite sitcom episode is the one where there’s a huge misunderstanding.

My friend Roy made up this joke, so goddamn proud Why did the beer get bottled? He was trying to dodge the draft.

My dick is like Amazon Prime… It comes fast 🙁

Samuel L Jackson got into an argument with an Ethiopian… I heard him screaming “Food, motherfucker! Do you eat it?”