I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

Saw a hitchhiker holding a sign Anywhere But Here’ So I swerved, hit him. Now he’s in a ditch. Hope that’s ok, he wasn’t really specific.

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

How do remove a bunch of drunk Canadians from the pool? You ask them to leave.

Q: Why are blondes hurt by people’s words? A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

My favorite poem Roses are red Violets are blue I hope I don’t Impregnate you

A blonde goes into a bank… …to withdraw some money. The clerk asks her: “Could you please indentify yourself?” The blonde pulls out a mirror from her bag, looks into it and says: “Yes, it is me.”

Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.

Why does an elephant wear sneakers ? So that he can sneak up on mice !

Day two of the Insanity Workout. Half hour of talking to a lamp. Half hour of eating mulch. Fifty YouTube comments.