I’m in a serious relationship with my WIFI… You might say we have a connection.

What can you say about lots of protected sex? It is a common misconception

Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.

Today I had a mild panic attack over the fact I will die someday. Then I bought some shit on Amazon. Your mom is a hermaphrodite.

Mountains are funny. They’re hill areas.

Did you hear they’re going to print the Daily Mail on A1 sheets? It’s pretty big news.

I met a girl the other night. She really had something… I think it was AIDS.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Ferrari? With a porcupine, the prick is on the outside.

When I’m driving I listen to the country station because it makes me want to get to my destination faster.

Why did the excluded tree grow? To be long.