What’s the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner? Placement of the dirt bag.

My dad never loved me as a child. I can’t blame him really. I wasn’t born until he was an adult.

I wonder who I’ll be racist against when I’m elderly. I hope it’s robots!!

I planned on watching the super bowl tomorrow, but… My inflatable couch doesn’t have enough air in it.

You know why you can’t play Uno with Mexicans? They steal all the green cards!

You can only regret what you remember. -Tequila

my plan for the day is to lay on the floor and not move

Damn girl you must have been out in the sun all day. Because you appealin’

What do you call it when Charlie Sheen’s brother has sex with him? Emilio Incestevez

When it’s cold out I wear my UGG boots. When it’s frustrating out I wear my UGH boots.