What is a composer’s favorite vegetable? Bach choy.

How do you get your hair into shape? You condition it

Tonight’s parenting lesson: If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF. I need a shower.

Me: Every beautiful girl has an ugly friend Girl: That’s why my friend is ugly Me: I see. You are just a pair of ugly girls

I tried to eat soup with a fork. It was a strain.

I need to thank the guy who honked while waiting for my parking spot for inspiring me to stay & write my memoirs in this Target parking lot.

When a girl says, “I think we should talk,” it’s never about the Bat Mobile.

Wish our neighbors would splurge on quieter hookers.

Why are divorces so expensive? Because they’re worth it.

Why is six afraid of seven… Because seven is a registered six offender.